I had it all planned...the day after Thanksgiving, we're going to decorate with Christmas music, get our tree, and bake everything chocolate! I cant wait! I love this season! Then the next day, David and I wake up superrr sick. After a week of me passed out on the living room floor and my wonderful husband staying home to take care of us, my color starts to come back and I start to come out of it only to really see how lifeless & sick David is. God definitely brought me to my knees that night which started out with desperate crying out to Him for my baby...to that peace that passes understanding. I love when He does that. The night was pretty unforgettable. But through-out the night, David gets worse, so we take him into Jason's hospital. He was positive for H1N1 and also has pneumonia. Of course we were admitted with a lovely week stay to Miller Children's Hospital in Long Beach...compliments of our friendly insurance company. I stayed on bedrest as David wouldn't allow me to get up for a moment without crying in fear that someone is going to hurt him and I'm leaving him alone. Poor guy, he pulled out his i.v. one day and the next the i.v. infiltrated causing his arm to blow up 4x the size which is super painful. With a couple other little mishaps, David was not digging our little vaca one bit. But little by little, my favorite guy got better and better and they let us leave. Below are a couple pics of our last couple weeks. I'm just going to include January into my Christmas season and get the most of it!
crossing his fingers he wont get poked again
feeling much better, watching baby einstein with daddy
cuddling his uncle robbie
we just get home and he's so happy, he gives his mama a bonk (what he does when you ask for a kiss)
*a side note...a small confession.
I have been harboring some guilt in my heart for a very long time. I take David to different therapies thru-out the week and I see many babies who have life-time disabilities and who are much worse, as far as health goes. And here I am, my son is perfectly healthy (with extremely underdeveloped lungs, but they will grow). Yet I see other kids his age walking, talking, eating...the list goes on. The worrying about when he will catch up seems to be knocking at the door a little every day. I continue to be bombarded with questions by "specialists" and many other people about when or if he's going to catch up, and why isn't he doing "this or that" yet, and am I doing enough "this and that" to help him...etc. Whatever, I'm held to my own responsibility for my own actions and heart. But I still don't like where my heart is...worry, and even comparing sometimes...a lot. That part really breaks my heart...my own action.
...a little deliverance. :o)
These last 3 weeks have been super challenging with things surfacing in life and me fighting to overcome. One of them being this morning. I was having lunch with some people who also have either early developed or disability children. I'm half listening due to little sleep, and I vaguely hear the words "LIVE for the NOW". Though I've heard it before, that moment hit me almost as hard as when I was praying for a name and got David. A peace fell over me and sunk in so deep that nothing could interrupt that moment. I felt like if God were sitting across from me at the table, He would be telling me, "YOU received this little boy as a gift from ME exactly the way he is, PERFECT." Yes, he is tiny, and yes he is very under-developed in many ways, but none of it is permanent. And the doctors can't even guess or compare when he'll catch up cause none of his docs even had or ever worked with a case to where a baby has survived with not a drop of fluid from 16 weeks on. So with that....I am no longer going to worry about the future of tomorrow or next year, or the year after that...cause that burden is not mine. My only burden, is to love up this little kiddo and enjoy his life. So all of you as my witness...I've laid this at HIS feet!